I've always harboured a fantasy to go over to a guy’s place for sex. I find it difficult to view my apartment, with its daily attendant care and touch limited to the Personal Support Workers as a place fit for sexy times. Every time a hot hookup partner visited my apartment to touch my joystick or f*ck around, it lacked the necessary sexy vibes - it felt sterile; as if this hook up was just another scheduled run-of-the-mill activity of my daily living. It didn't have 'vibe', it seemed boring, and definitely not sexy.
When I finally got the chance to go to a hookup’s place for sex, the guy had a ton of stairs up to his place. Groan. I talked to him online before heading over and he assured me that we’d get me in his place, no problem. I had a feeling that I should inquire more, but I was hot, bothered and raring to go. So, I hopped a cab at midnight, like a modern day Cinderella looking to get hers, hoping for a night of passion and power-chair-accessible sex. As my cab pulled up, the cabbie looked out at all the stairs and said, “Are you sure this is the place?” Too horny to turn back, I tried to smoothly say, “yup, for sure”, as if I had planned this all along. Inside I was freaking out, thinking about how inaccessible, not to mention dangerous, this hook up just became.
I share this story to highlight that sometimes the fantasies we have about sex aren’t based on our disabled realities, but rather idealistic snapshots of what we think sex is supposed to be like. From this experience, I learned that I’d much rather have sex in my accessible apartment because there, I get to control how much my disabled body is an issue for someone else. I also get to feel safe, and create fantasies that are accessible to both me and my lover.